some random thoughts about selfies.

My mom has always said that I am photogenic and I think that's probably true, but I have always hated having my picture taken. The only time in my life I can remember enjoying having my picture taken was at my wedding. That day was the only day in my life that I felt beautiful. Until recently. 

Before, I would always imagine myself looking good in photos but when I actually saw the photos I looked terrible, in my opinion. I would have a double chin, a fat face, my clothes wouldn't fit right, my smile would be awkward, I would look like I was trying to seduce the camera (badly), or I looked high (license photo), etc. It made me sad to have high expectations for how I looked in photos and not have them turn out how I wanted. I always blamed my weight, and part of that was warranted, but what I didn't realize was that the real problem was my weight problem was killing my spirit. That was what showed up in pictures. I have seen people heavier than me glow in pictures, because they have a happy spirit. My weight was ruining my spirit, which is what would come across in photos. 

On my wedding day, nothing could crush my spirit. Plus, I think I looked pretty good. Having a professional hairdresser and a fantastic make-up artist help me get ready, it was impossible to look bad. And I loved everything about my dress. But, I digress.

I have been in therapy for over a year trying to learn how to capture the spirit of what I felt about myself on my wedding day and feel that way everyday. Along the road, I joined Weight Watchers and started eating healthier and losing weight. With every pound lost, I felt my spirit soar. I started to think that feeling beautiful everyday was within my grasp. And now, I know that it is. 

I took these pictures last week on a day where I felt beautiful. I felt confident, I felt healthy, I felt good about myself. Selfies are weird and maybe it looks like I'm self-absorbed. That's okay, because it's not true. For someone like me who has battled with hating my body for years, who almost literally destroyed my body because of that hatred, I think taking a selfie is an amazing place to be. It shows the transformation of my spirit. I feel like I have finally reached a place where I look at myself and see beauty, in some way, everyday. When I look at those pictures I think of how far I have come, and if I look hard enough, it's hard to believe it's even me! 

I know I have a long way to go, and I still have a lot of insecurities to deal with, but I can confidently say that this is the happiest I have been with myself and my body in years.