I have nothing inspiring to say.

because weight loss is unpredictable and frustrating and lonely and fucking hard.

I thought I had lost weight this week. I had a good week.

And I gained 1.4 pounds.

So today, I have nothing inspiring to say.

Nothing straight about it.

There is this misconception that weight loss can be a straight downwards line. I have never met anyone who lost weight that way. It's impossible to stay motivated every single day, unless you only have 5-10 pounds to lose. It's a messy process, with jagged edges and up and down days. 

This is my chart of my last (almost!) year with Weight Watchers. It hasn't always been consistent and it hasn't always gone down, but the overall trend is downward. What more can I ask for? In the past year I have kept off over 20 pounds. I'm proud of that. 

It's nice to look back and be able to know the points where I was losing consistently and where I gained. In the beginning I lost almost every week because I had a consistent schedule. I was in school Monday/Wednesday and did internship Tuesday/Thursday. Fridays I weighed in, went to meetings, hit the gym, and cleaned the apartment. (Also caught up on TV shows. ;) I first started to gain back some weight when I got this job. It was a huge adjustment for me. There was a point there where I didn't know if I could get back on track. I didn't care about any of it. But I did it.

Then we moved and I can see that as another place in my chart where my weight began to creep back on. The changes took a toll on my eating and for another few weeks I didn't care. But I always got back on track.

The important part for me is to never give up completely. I have vowed that I will reach my goal with Weight Watchers and I am not stopping until I do. It has taken longer than I thought it would, and I might not reach my official number until I've been doing it 5 years. But it doesn't matter. Last year I kept off 20 pounds. Maybe I'll keep off another 20 this year. Every year there is progress and I am learning so much along the way. That is what matters here.

March, Week 3

Last week sucked because of the work trip and the sickness and everything.

This week I was determined to get back on track and do better. 

And I did!

This week I lost 3.8 pounds. It's a little inflated because I gained 3 pounds last week, but I am glad to have gotten that amount off this week and more! 

I am currently at 5 pounds lost this year. My goal is 30, which I think is very achievable. 

As for my goals... I reached one. 

I didn't end up going to the gym on Friday because I was still sick and didn't want to get worse.

This week I have the same goals. 

1. Cook a new recipe

2. Go to the gym at least once

Goal 1 should be easy because I won a new cookbook from Weight Watchers! 

I am still nervous about this week. I am currently at the second lowest weight I have been in about 6 years. I have always had trouble when I got down this low and ended up gaining some back. I would really like to break through this barrier this week or next. I need to lose 1.6 to be at my official lowest weight in tons of years. It's my hope to lose that this week! 

Today I forgot my grandma was dead.

It was the strangest thing. I was leaving work, pulling out of the parking lot, and I was smiling at one of my residents crossing the parking lot with her walker. I thought to myself, This is a nice place and I am happy to work here. I bet my grandma would love living here with the community as friends. Wait, maybe my grandma could live here. I could visit her everyday and check up on her. It would be so great! Oh, wait.

And then unexpected tears came on that ride home from work because I miss my grandma and I don't feel that I had enough time with her. Time, it's frustrating in the way that it feels like forever when bad shit happens but so short when the good stuff is going on. And my grandma was some of the best stuff that's happened to me in the past few years.

I think about her a lot during this weight loss journey. She always encouraged me to keep going. I think often she saw something in me that I didn't always see myself--perseverance, stubbornness, and drive to get to my goal. When I get down on myself, I think of her. She was self-disciplined and strong in so many ways I haven't had to be yet. Yet, she always told me, "Don't be too strict on your diet. Everyone needs to cheat once and a while."

I can still see her smile and hear her say my name as if she is standing right here next to me. Her presence is strong and I'm thankful for that.

Progress.

It's been a good week so far, even though it's only Tuesday. And hey, I've already completed one of my goals! Last night Tim and I made orange chicken from the Weight Watchers recipe book that Bethany got me for Christmas.

I am a fan of getting my hands dirty. Which works out for both of us because Tim's not a fan of touching raw chicken.

And the end result...

Honestly, it wasn't good. It lacked a lot of flavor and I bought navel oranges to go on top which were kind of sour and gross. We both were not fans of the meal so we won't be making it again. But at least we tried something new. And for me I just enjoy the process of cooking with Tim. I don't really care how the meal turns out. It's more fun being in the kitchen with him, listening to music ('epic film scores' on songza, go listen!), and just spending time together.

So one goal is complete, which is starting my week off great. I think I will have the same food goal next week. It's always best to try new recipes and I have genuinely loved cooking lately, which is so unlike me. I still have my exercise goal about going to the gym once this week. I am planning to save it for Friday after work so I can give my body a chance to recover from this cold.

Hey, remember when I actually wrote in this blog?

Yeah. It's been a while and I've kind of been avoiding this space because it's been a tough year in this department. So far this year I have only maintained a weight loss of 1.2 pounds. My weight has been up and down almost every week, which is really discouraging. It's especially hard because I know it's my fault. I am addicted to food, and I have to consciously control myself hundreds of times a day. It's exhausting. Some weeks I just let the food win. Other weeks I try to stay in the fight.

 Recently we bought tickets to New Zealand. We have been dreaming about taking a trip there since we got married but I honestly never imagined it would happen. Or at least happen this soon. I am glad that Tim is up for an adventure and I am so excited for us to be there together, doing amazing things. However, I don't want to be limiting myself or Tim in any way on this trip. At the weight I am, I know I will not be able to do everything I wish to do. I want to zip line and hike and bungee jump (maybe!). I just want the option of doing everything my heart desires and I want Tim to come back from the trip feeling like he did everything he wanted to do as well.

 So New Zealand is my new motivation to get healthy and try harder. I hope to return to this space more often to analyze how I'm doing and what I can be doing better. I also hope to write down weekly goals for myself: one food goal and one exercise goal. My food goal this week is to have Tim and I cook a meal from my weight watchers recipe book and my exercise goal is to go to the gym at least once.

 And now a picture of New Zealand because, hello!