Week 3.

I finished my third week back on Weight Watchers last Saturday. I need to get into a better routine of updating so I can track my progress. Anyways, I lost 1.4 that week, which I am very happy with. I am learning to be content with ANY weight loss, because every week I'm chipping away at it. I realize now that a year goes by fast. 52 weeks and even if I only lose half a pound each week that adds up to 26 pounds throughout the year! My goal this week is 1.2.

soda free.

On November 16, 2014 I had my last drink of soda.

I grew up not drinking much soda. We never had it in the house, so it was a treat. When I started Weight Watchers in 2013, diet soda was a zero point drink. Great! I could drink all the diet soda I wanted and it wouldn't count against me. So, I did. At first I just drank a can a day, at lunch. Then I started drinking it for lunch and dinner. Some mornings I even woke up and had some while I knit before work. If I didn't have soda for a few hours, I would get bad headaches. I really really loved soda.

Suddenly I realized I didn't want to be addicted to soda anymore. I was going to give it up, and that was that. I set my mind to it. For that reason I was able to push through the 8 days following November 16 of constant headaches and irritation because of no soda. It was pretty bad for a while, but I knew the headaches would end eventually. I now haven't had soda in 18 days! This may seem like a small feat, but for me it is amazing! Almost 3 weeks I have not had one sip. And you know what, I have only missed it three times.

I missed soda a lot when I was stressed out, emotional, angry, and needed something to make me feel better. In the past I would chug a soda when I was feeling that way. However another realization flooded my head: It's not healthy to rely on food to sooth emotional problems. Believing food can solve my emotional problems is the reason I am so heavy today. I want to shatter that belief.

Maybe I'm not totally healed from my food addiction, but cutting soda out of my life when I never thought I could has taken me 5 steps in the right direction.

I need to remember this phrase constantly because it's so true in my life. 

Last week was Thanksgiving so I was nervous to get on the scale Saturday. Total weight loss for the week was 2.2 pounds! I'm ecstatic with that. My weight loss for the two weeks back has been 5 pounds total. I know I won't continue to lose 2.2 pounds or more every week, because that's not healthy and The Biggest Loser is far from reality. But I can lose some weight every week, even if it's just .2 of a pound. My goal is to keep working at it every day so I make it a lifestyle instead of a diet. 

Today will be my first picture! I'm going to have Tim take a picture of me every month so I remember where I came from and how far I have come. What has most tripped me up in the past is only thinking of how far I have to go instead of how far I have come. I want to take one picture a month to remember the work I have done and remind myself I never want to be this unhealthy again. 

Back.

You never imagine you're going to lose weight and then gain it all back. I started Weight Watchers in April 2013 and through the next year or so I had ups and downs but I lost almost 30 pounds. Over the summer things started getting hard and I found myself caring less and less. I sunk into a depression, I'm still not sure if the weight gain was the result of that or the cause. A month ago I completely stopped going to meetings and weighing myself every week. It was a real low. I decided I was going to give weight loss the finger and eat whatever the hell I wanted. And I did.

The first few days of that was great. I got to indulge in foods I hadn't allowed myself to have in a while, and I told myself I wasn't going to feel guilty about it. After a few days, the misery started. I realize now eating 4000+ calories a day is miserable. I felt like crap all the time. All day every day I felt full and bloated and fat. And yet, I kept eating. I was hiding my eating and shoveling food in my mouth like the flashback scenes from The Biggest Loser. It really was a big low. In my head I thought, I am miserable when I try to lose weight because I can't eat what I want. And I'm miserable when I eat what I want, so I will just continue to eat what I want. Either way I'll be miserable.

I'm not sure what made me decide to start back at Weight Watchers. I started to be disgusted with fast food. Some days I had fast food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That was a real turning point because my whole life I have desired and longed for fast food, since we didn't grow up eating much of it at home. For me to be disgusted and not even want a chicken soft taco from Del Taco was major. I knew I needed to go back to Weight Watchers.

I went back last Saturday for the first time in a while. I told them to take my weight as if I was completely starting over. I knew I had gained a lot and I wanted this to be a fresh starting point. My weight was back at where I started in April 2013. It was discouraging, but I knew I had done it to myself. My first week back I lost 2.8, which was really great! This week my goal is 1.6.

I will be honest, losing weight sucks. But being fat and unhealthy and unhappy with your appearance sucks more. I'm reading Galatians now and it's so beautiful. Paul asks the churches in Galatia why they would want to go back to the law when Jesus died so they could live in freedom. It made me think of my struggle with food. I don't believe God wants me to struggle with food addiction. I know he wants me to be free to enjoy food but not worship it.

This is a picture of my first meal back on Weight Watchers. My goal is to take one picture every month to track my progress. I'm very excited to be back. I might be stupid or crazy to start this endeavor during the holidays, but maybe that challenge will make me stronger. We'll see.

I know most women are uncomfortable about weight and saying how much they weigh. I know weight and self-worth is much more than a number. But I'm posting my stats every week to keep me on track.

Starting Weight (November 15, 2014): 216.4
Current Weight: 213.6

mostly about exercise but kind of about a kick in the pants.

About a month ago, I had a serious conversation/whining session with Tim telling him I didn't know why I wasn't consistently losing weight anymore. I think I literally said, "I eat healthy most of the time and I exercise when I can." Well, that's not good enough. The main thing I was missing was intentionally eating healthy and making time for exercise. Healthy eating doesn't just happen, and I'm still at a place where I have to consciously choose a healthy option over an unhealthy one. So eating healthy most of the time isn't good enough for me to keep losing weight. It might be possible to maintain my weight by doing that, but I can't expect to keep losing. 

I also had a problem with exercise. Once I got this job, I basically stopped going to the gym. In Long Beach, the closest gym that I can go to is about 7 miles away. In Orange, my gym was less than 2. Plus, it's not even conveniently on the way to work, it is in the opposite direction. So, because it wasn't easy, I stopped going. Tim and I would take walks when we could and we have started this great habit of walking to Ralph's when we need food, which is maybe a mile round trip. However, I wasn't setting aside time to exercise and I was getting really lazy at it. After this heart to heart with Tim and whining about my weight loss, I realized that it's important to work exercise into my schedule. 

I also needed a good kick in the pants, which Tim is good at providing. He challenged me to stay focused on my eating and work exercise into my schedule, then see if I saw results. Sometimes I whine about my weight loss even though I know I am not doing it right and Tim is good about not letting me get away with that. I decided that I could wake up early on Sundays and go to the gym before church. I could also go to the gym after work on Thursdays and Fridays when I have no other commitments. This was three more times I could go to the gym than I was going before. It would mean I could only sleep in one day a week and I would have less time for knitting after work, but I knew it was worth it. 

I've been doing this routine for about three weeks now and it has been great! It was really hard for me at first. Getting up at 6 AM on a Sunday feels wrong, especially when my husband is still sleeping in our warm bed. However, I felt like I had more energy throughout the day and it made me less likely to blow my eating, knowing that I had already started the day on a positive note. It's also hard coming home from an 8 hour workday on Thursdays/Fridays and heading to the gym. There were a few days where I couldn't find my ipod and I wanted to just quit. Now I have gotten to a place where I just do it, even if I don't want to. There are the occasional weeks where I look forward to Thursday so I can hop on the elliptical and have time to myself to think. But most weeks I don't genuinely WANT to exercise. But I just tell myself that I am committed to this journey and I am going to the gym whether I like it or not. I can tell you honestly even when my heart is completely not in it, I have never gotten off that elliptical early. I always commit to 45 minutes and so far I have done it every time.

This last Sunday I even started doing some weights and my arms are sore today, so something is going right! So anyways, this is kind of a thank you to Tim for motivating me to keep trying. He is always willing to start dinner or go grocery shopping when I have gym time and he encourages me to try my hardest. 

At my last weigh in I lost .6 of a pound. This brings my current weight loss this year to 5.2. I'm happy with it because I have learned a lot this year. My goal is to lose 10 more pounds before New Zealand, which I know I can do if I stay focused. 

"It's a lifestyle, not a diet."

I have heard these words a million times and I even tell them to people who want to lose weight. If you treat it like a diet, you won't keep off the weight long term. You can't change your eating and lose a bunch of weight, then go back to how you were eating and expect you won't gain it all back. You have to change your lifestyle in order to see consistent results that will last.

It's not easy. Changing my lifestyle may very well take my whole life. I'm not sure I can ever not be tempted by cookies and ice cream. And sometimes that fact gets me down, but then I remember how much of my lifestyle I have changed. Saturday Tim and I were too tired to cook dinner so we decided to pick up fast food and watch a movie. I decided to go Flame Broiler (where I know the exact weight watchers points for a bowl) and Tim got In-N-Out. I was commenting to him in the car how ignorant I was about my eating in the past.

When Tim and I were dating, we would go to In-N-Out frequently since it was right across the street from his work and we often hung out late at night (why is In-N-Out the BEST in the middle of the night?!) I would eat a huge burger and fries and drink a regular soda and share a milkshake with him. And I wondered why I was fat. Um, hello? You can't eat In-N-Out on a consistent basis, not exercise, and expect your weight will stay the same. Unless you have an unusually fast metabolism, it's not happening.

I am proud to say that I am no longer ignorant about my eating. When going out to eat, I try to only venture out to places where I can find out the points in a meal. Or, if it's a place I have to guess, I usually give it many more points than it may have, just to be safe. It's not necessarily about the points value, it's more about accountability.

I've been on Weight Watchers about a year and my lifestyle has already changed a lot. I am still tempted by sugar and it's hard for me to stay self controlled at my aunt's Thanksgiving table, but I have come a long way. I imagine in a year from now I will be even further.

some random thoughts about selfies.

My mom has always said that I am photogenic and I think that's probably true, but I have always hated having my picture taken. The only time in my life I can remember enjoying having my picture taken was at my wedding. That day was the only day in my life that I felt beautiful. Until recently. 

Before, I would always imagine myself looking good in photos but when I actually saw the photos I looked terrible, in my opinion. I would have a double chin, a fat face, my clothes wouldn't fit right, my smile would be awkward, I would look like I was trying to seduce the camera (badly), or I looked high (license photo), etc. It made me sad to have high expectations for how I looked in photos and not have them turn out how I wanted. I always blamed my weight, and part of that was warranted, but what I didn't realize was that the real problem was my weight problem was killing my spirit. That was what showed up in pictures. I have seen people heavier than me glow in pictures, because they have a happy spirit. My weight was ruining my spirit, which is what would come across in photos. 

On my wedding day, nothing could crush my spirit. Plus, I think I looked pretty good. Having a professional hairdresser and a fantastic make-up artist help me get ready, it was impossible to look bad. And I loved everything about my dress. But, I digress.

I have been in therapy for over a year trying to learn how to capture the spirit of what I felt about myself on my wedding day and feel that way everyday. Along the road, I joined Weight Watchers and started eating healthier and losing weight. With every pound lost, I felt my spirit soar. I started to think that feeling beautiful everyday was within my grasp. And now, I know that it is. 

I took these pictures last week on a day where I felt beautiful. I felt confident, I felt healthy, I felt good about myself. Selfies are weird and maybe it looks like I'm self-absorbed. That's okay, because it's not true. For someone like me who has battled with hating my body for years, who almost literally destroyed my body because of that hatred, I think taking a selfie is an amazing place to be. It shows the transformation of my spirit. I feel like I have finally reached a place where I look at myself and see beauty, in some way, everyday. When I look at those pictures I think of how far I have come, and if I look hard enough, it's hard to believe it's even me! 

I know I have a long way to go, and I still have a lot of insecurities to deal with, but I can confidently say that this is the happiest I have been with myself and my body in years.