Back.

You never imagine you're going to lose weight and then gain it all back. I started Weight Watchers in April 2013 and through the next year or so I had ups and downs but I lost almost 30 pounds. Over the summer things started getting hard and I found myself caring less and less. I sunk into a depression, I'm still not sure if the weight gain was the result of that or the cause. A month ago I completely stopped going to meetings and weighing myself every week. It was a real low. I decided I was going to give weight loss the finger and eat whatever the hell I wanted. And I did.

The first few days of that was great. I got to indulge in foods I hadn't allowed myself to have in a while, and I told myself I wasn't going to feel guilty about it. After a few days, the misery started. I realize now eating 4000+ calories a day is miserable. I felt like crap all the time. All day every day I felt full and bloated and fat. And yet, I kept eating. I was hiding my eating and shoveling food in my mouth like the flashback scenes from The Biggest Loser. It really was a big low. In my head I thought, I am miserable when I try to lose weight because I can't eat what I want. And I'm miserable when I eat what I want, so I will just continue to eat what I want. Either way I'll be miserable.

I'm not sure what made me decide to start back at Weight Watchers. I started to be disgusted with fast food. Some days I had fast food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That was a real turning point because my whole life I have desired and longed for fast food, since we didn't grow up eating much of it at home. For me to be disgusted and not even want a chicken soft taco from Del Taco was major. I knew I needed to go back to Weight Watchers.

I went back last Saturday for the first time in a while. I told them to take my weight as if I was completely starting over. I knew I had gained a lot and I wanted this to be a fresh starting point. My weight was back at where I started in April 2013. It was discouraging, but I knew I had done it to myself. My first week back I lost 2.8, which was really great! This week my goal is 1.6.

I will be honest, losing weight sucks. But being fat and unhealthy and unhappy with your appearance sucks more. I'm reading Galatians now and it's so beautiful. Paul asks the churches in Galatia why they would want to go back to the law when Jesus died so they could live in freedom. It made me think of my struggle with food. I don't believe God wants me to struggle with food addiction. I know he wants me to be free to enjoy food but not worship it.

This is a picture of my first meal back on Weight Watchers. My goal is to take one picture every month to track my progress. I'm very excited to be back. I might be stupid or crazy to start this endeavor during the holidays, but maybe that challenge will make me stronger. We'll see.

I know most women are uncomfortable about weight and saying how much they weigh. I know weight and self-worth is much more than a number. But I'm posting my stats every week to keep me on track.

Starting Weight (November 15, 2014): 216.4
Current Weight: 213.6